Seems Legit

Weather forecast from CBS 6 Storm Team




Bring your umbrella.

Turtle Wrasslin - a repost...since its been a year and I feel like it.

Turtle Wrasslin' and Almost Losing An Eye

So there we were....driving home down Highway 81, listening to a mystery on tape, when out of the blue,

TURTLE!

What?

Turtle! Back there! Pull over!

I had seen a suicidal turtle making a mad dash for the interstate. About the size of a dinner plate, it was hurtling across the shoulder at top speed, on its way to CERTAIN DOOM.

So, my wife, familiar with my tendency to be insane, pulls over and backs up. (We appear to be a little suicidally crazy too.) I pull on my shoes and jump out of the car. The Turtle is about to cross...the WHITE LINE OF DEATH!

My wife watches in horror as her animal loving husband runs up, bends over to pick up this poor, apparently depressed turtle, and then promptly kicks it back towards the shoulder. Spinning like a top, it lands in the gravel.

"What the hell are you doing?" cries my horrified wife.

What she didn't know was that was not a poor, depressed, suicidal turtle. Hell no! It was one evil, beady eyed, nasty, disgruntled snapping turtle that didn't take kindly to my interrupting his attack on these metal monsters that woke him from a nap....not too mention that goal kick.....that didn't endear me to him AT ALL.

I kicked him out of the way ( a toe nudge, really. He was heavy!) because I couldn't maneuver to pick him up so close to the traffic. HE may have been interested in dealing with the traffic... me not so much.

As I had run up to snatch him up to safety, that evil, beady eyed head twisted back on its snake-neck and damn near took a finger as a snack. THAT'S why there was a sudden "OH, S#!T!" and a sudden kick.

So, faced with a slightly annoyed, disgruntled, snapping turtle....and me never having learned that trick you see on TV where the animal handler neatly picks up the turtle by the shell, gripping it behind the head...I was stumped. Well, almost...the turtle missed....again. That turtle had a neck as flexible as a snake and 6 inches long.

I've never felt anything so strong that was that small. It was the original all wheel drive vehicle. Finally I got a grip on its tail and a hand on the top of its shell. Needless to say, picking up an already irate snapping turtle and holding it upside down does NOT make it any friendlier. It's neck stretched out backwards for my belt line so far that I worried about singing soprano. (I'm told that this is called "foreshadowing" in writing circles.)

So... there we were. Now what? I saw no ponds, streams, creeks, rivers, or puddles. The only place it could have come was from the hill in front of me. The steep hill. With bushes and saplings all over it. Covered in slippery pine needles. Did I tell you that my shoes were not completely on? Yeah......wait. It gets better.

So... up we go. Slip slidin' away....near the destination...the more you slip slidin' away.... Sorry. 70's flashback.

Anyway, up we go, darling daughter doing her best to help. Now, as one climbs a 45 degree slope, one tends to bring the arms in to keep balance......yeah...you see where this is going......

About halfway up the slope, that highly displeased, upside down, contortionist turtle makes an attempt to change my sex.....me not realizing how close my hands were to my body! All I see is a blur and hear a "snap!"

Turtles can fly.

Not very far, but they can fly. As I did, in the opposite direction, as my shoe comes loose. I go over backwards, the turtle comes sliding down after me...THE TURTLE! OH CRAP!. I'm dodging the sliding turtle and it wedges itself next to a sapling.

Darling daughter is doing her very best not to laugh.....which isn't very good. Gathering up the turtle, by the expedient handle of it tail, I begin to climb Mt. Everest again. Now...I'm in shape. I mean...round is a shape. So, its about 100 degrees, 200% humidity, branches scratching and bushes catching me. And we reach the top. Whew!

No pond. No stream. Not even a mudhole. I was really hoping that was mud all over the hind end of the turtle.......

Screw the damn turtle. Pitched him (gently) towards the fence, and turned my way back down.

Remember those branches? Yeah, the ones that scratch? Being the dutiful dad that I am, I held the branches back from my following daughter and also out of my face.

Branches break.

Hit me right in the eye. One half inch down, and it would have hit the eye and not the eye lid. 50 miles from well...anywhere.

That's how you almost lose an eye while wrasslin' a turtle.

Screw turtles. Ungrateful wretches.

Goodbye Al Queada' Rose

Martin Short and the Singing SEALs!!!!




h/t From On High

"The TEA Party Will Not Stop!"

This is spot on. He even looks like Pelosi.....

h/t Sean Linnane

Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

I am writing to you to ask that you PLEASE help us during this election year. We need you to put the bully pulpit behind the Democratic party to stop these evil Teabaggers. Yes, that is what they call themselves, or so I've been told. It would help if you also called them paranoid, bitter gun nuts and bible thumpers. Please expose these people to the world. Any reference to the Tea Party as "out of control, racist nazis" seems to bring about great results, too. Please put that out on the airwaves. Speaker Pelosi's office could assist. Harry Reid is a great spokesman for our cause. Please put him in front of the cameras. His support of fellow Senate candidates, like Coons, is very helpful. Perhaps he can visit Senator Boxer in California.

Please continue with those revolutionary plans for America. Your agenda is pushing our party to the forefront. Your leadership in those areas has helped immensely. From the upcoming Carbon Tax to Health Care Reform, to the Banking bill, Democratic leadership has opened this countries eyes to the wonders of the Progressive movement. And your use of the unions as soldiers for your message has so improved the outlook for recruiting. Union members across the country are eagerly awaiting the next election.

Thank you for all that you've done to support our party.


The Republicans.

Race Card is Maxed Out - Jon Stewart

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Race Card Is Maxed Out
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

This is great! Hat tip to Instapundit

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

properly stolen from Traction Control

Not that I was worried or anything.......

You are 1% hippie.

Ok, you conservative soul. Do you even believe in global warming? Loosen that necktie a little, and try some organic food. It actually does taste better. And go to a farmer's market--they're fun.

Are you a hippie?
Take More Quizzes

h/t Breda

In Honor of the World Cup

Maybe this is why soccer doesn't catch on in the US......



h/t tip Theo

That Darn Chicken

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
h/t and stolen from Classic Arms

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: What?, Did I miss one?

Russian Helos are so ugly......

That they are repelled by the Earth!

Quick Hit Headlines

Context and Syntax is Important

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
-------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
-------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
--------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
-------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
---------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
----------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
-----------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
----------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
***************************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
***************************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

In Honor of the Recent Olympics

from The Sniper

Belated thought

Just had a thought that I had to share with other Saints fans.......


Finally, a Manning threw the winning touch down pass for a Super Bowl.........


You may now return to your daily routine.

Thank you.

Saw a picture of Pelosi and thought of this.....

Created by Oatmeal

Wooot! I da Man!

Redneck Water Skiing

The worst part for me? It's WINTER!

Thank goodness that no one said, "Hey! Watch this!"

stolen from Theo!

MDS for Woman

John Effin Kerry as VP? Pretty please with sugar on top...(he served in Viet Nam, you know)

Caption time!

Put the captions in the comments.




Rich, progressive, communist-minded, leftist politician with ties to terrorists seeks same. Likes the beach, arugula, and mouthy wives. Hates working (see voting record).
You: must be arrogant and above the little people. Delusions of grandeur preferred.

h/t Drudge

Why Our Government Sucks

From an email from Mrs. Cargosquid:

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts .' Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in Africa ' Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada ?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chi cago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Ex press!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo , do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

A Gentlemen's Duel

Stolen, uh, borrowed from Theo Spark at The Last of the Few