Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army
(To start off, here's the first 10)
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
Some more:19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. ( I actually did this and the next one....)
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?” (Actually saw this once in person. Once.)
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. (Heck, I'm going to have to pay the Navy back....)
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. (Not a good idea, unless in the Air Force. Then you fit right in....)
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things. (What else are they for?)90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. (Hung from the tent ceiling, though, makes for a great conversation piece....)
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid. (Is too)
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”. (Is too, I've seen it. FM 22-102)
And my favorite:
206. Not allowed to get shot.
First time I read this list, I woke my wife by laughing too loudly.
Labels: Skippy's List